The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka/Transcript
This is an episode transcript for The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka. Transcript Jason: Yellow-capped whopper dingy to D-1, Squid Hopper. Michelle: Yes, four in a row. And that ties it up two games a piece. Jason: Not so fast, I get to use my Squid Hopper. (in muffled voice) This could decide it, folks. Michelle: That's pretty annoying, you know. Do you have to do it every time? Jason: (in muffed voice) That's right. The championship comes down to this last move. Grandmum: Oh, look here. You found me Squid-Tac-Toad. Jason: Yup. Michelle: I love this game, Grandmum! Grandmum: Oh, I don't blame you, love. Nothing like a good tournament of Squid-Tac-Toad. You know, your granddad got that for me on our fifth anniversary, when we was down under in Bullamanka. Michelle: Down under what? Jason: It means Australia. Grandmum: He and I would hold our own Squid-Tac-Toad tournaments, just around this time of year. Oh, if only he could see his two grandkids playing the Squid-Tac-Toad he got me on our fifth anniversary, down under in Bullamanka. Oh well, good memories, all that matters. So, how's the tournament coming? Jason: Michelle just tied us at two games each. Michelle: That means just one more to go, and I'll be the champion. Grandmum: Oh, the summer games. Well, I'm sure you're both jolly good opponents, but truth be known, I think the females got the upper hand in this game. Jason: What? Why is that? Grandmum: I don't know, really. Suppose it could be that dainty fingers are better for the spinners. Jason: Well, we'll see about that. Let's go, Michelle. Michelle: For the championship. Jason: (in muffed voice) Red-Naped Ib to D-3. Jason: Ooh, the deciding spin. A hush falls over the crowd. Drumroll, please. Jason: (imitates drum sounds) Michelle: Oh, hi there, Pidgel. Jason: What? Jason: Okay, okay. I know you don't believe me about them being alive and all, but you don't have to keep making fun of me too. Michelle: Hmm? Yes! Jason: Aw, man, so close. Well, you're officially Squid-Tac-Toad champ. Must be those dainty fingers. Michelle: Yep, must be. It was a tense battle, but through cunning stradegy and sheer skill, I emerge victorious. Jason: Well, sheer luck, anyway. Nice tournament, champ. Michelle: What? Don't look at me like that, I didn't do anything. I'm the champ, I didn't cheat. Grandmum: Well, of course you didn't cheat, deary. Michelle: Huh? Grandmum: You know better than that. Michelle: Grandmum. Grandmum: You know what the Good Book says about cheating, don't you? "The Lord hates cheating scales, but accurate weights are His delight." Michelle: I don't know what that means. Grandmum: Say, mm, oh! Well, say I take five pounds of socks to the laundry, but the chap at the laundrette fixes his scales so it says I've got ten pounds. Now, I've got to pay double for washing me socks. That's a cheating scale. It's like stealing. Michelle: But, these aren't socks. Grandmum: It's the same with playing a game, except instead of cheating someone out of their money, you're cheating them out of the good feeling they'd get from winning fair and square. And you don't really win, do you, love? When you cheat, everyone loses. That's why God loves it when we play fair. Everyone wins! Not many feelings better than winning fair and square, hmm. Michelle: Oh. Grandmum: Well, congratulations on your victory. Woah, sounds like me lemon sponge is ready. Michelle: I didn't cheat. I just bent the rules, a little. Zidgel: Michelle Frances Conrad! Michelle: Uh, Jason, it's for you! Zidgel: Not so fast! You're the one we need this time! Michelle: Jason was right, you guys are alive. Midgel: Either that or you're daydreaming. Kevin: Whoa, deja-vu. Zidgel: Dr. Fidgel, galeezel her. Fidgel: Right away, Captain. Midgel: Hang on. Michelle: Wait! Michelle: Aaaaagh. Fidgel: Amazing, an exact duplicate of your brother, only with pigtails! Michelle: We're, we're not identical twins, we're just the same age, well, I'm, I'm five minutes older, but-- Kevin: There's no Pidgel. Midgel: And no glasses. Wait a minute, Fidgel, you missed the glasses. Fidgel: Right, sorry. Michelle: Oh, and don't worry about the glasses. Really, I don't need them. Midgel: Sure you do, kid. You gotta wear your glasses. Zidgel: Unless they leave red marks on your beak. Michelle: Oh, they make me look silly. Zidgel: See that? They make me look silly! Um, I mean, they make her look silly. Fidgel: Nonsense, I'm sure she looks just smashing. (Midgel, Fidgel, and Kevin applaud for Michelle) Zidgel: Well, crew, why don't we save the chit-chat for our next tea party? Right now, we've got a bandicoot to save! Midgel, Fidgel, and Kevin: Right. Midgel: Hang on! Midgel: Bonsai!!! Zidgel: Okay, let's make the briefing, uh-- Kevin: Brief? Zidgel: Yes, well (clears throat) I'm-- Michelle: Let me guess. You're, uh, Midgel! Midgel: What? Fidgel: No, actually-- Michelle: Midgel! Midgel: Yeah? Fidgel: But I'm-- Zidgel: Captain. Michelle: Huh? Midgel: Who? Fidgel: Fidgel. Michelle: Fidgel? Zidgel: No, Zidgel. Michelle: Zidgel?! Fidgel: I'm Fidgel. Kevin: Banananana. Zidgel: Uh, Midgel. Midgel: Me? Fidgel: My. Zidgel: No, Fidgel. Zidgel. (brief silent) Zidgel: And that's Kevin! Kevin: (muffled voice) Hello! Michelle: Nice to meet you all. My brother has told me a lot about you. Zidgel: Oh, good, I hope! (laughs) Uh, anyway, look, Michelle, we've got word of a problem at the Colossal Aussie Colosseum on Space Base Bullamanka. Michelle: C-col, Colosia Calsium? Zidgel: Out back. Down under. Counter-clockwise. Fidgel: We've received a strange distress call from the king of the bandicoots. Zidgel: Bandicoots. Fidgel: He's hosting the royal ground tournament of one of their local tradition games. However, it seems the final championship game has been suspended under some kind of protest. Zidgel: And we've been instructed to go and help sort things out. Fidgel: Yes, as ombudsmen. Female voice: Ombudsmen: A group sent to help settle an argument. Kevin: Penguins. Michelle: Wow, so let's get on with the mission. Buckle up for landing, everyone. Zidgel: Woah, slow down there, missy. I don't think you have a full appreciation of the demands of space travel. It's much-- Kevin: Sorry. Zidgel: As I was saying, space travel can take hours, days, even several days. It's not like in those T.V. shows where they just go zipping around-- Midgel: Coming up on Bullamanka. Zidgel: Uh, buckle up for landing, everyone. Michelle: (claps hands) Zidgel: Say, that terrain looks pretty rough. What's the landing approach protocol for this scenario? Zidgel: Engage landing gear! Midgel: Engaging landing gear. Fidgel: Fantastic! First try of the new landing gear. Hope it works. Michelle: You mean you've never tested it? Fidgel: Tested? Midgel: Tested? Zidgel: Tested? Kevin: I like your pigtails. When's tea? Rockhopper crew: Woah! Zidgel: Midgel, you're a genius. Fidgel: Smoothest landing yet. Kevin: Like butter. Midgel: Why, thank you, you're all too kind. Michelle: What, did the landing gear break off? Fidgel: Identical. Lizard King: Oy, penguins. You can't just lob in on our tournament here! Zidgel: Easy there, my good lizard. We've come only to arbitrate the contest. Bandicoot King: Then tell him to let me out of this cage! I'm endangered, mate! Michelle: Who said that? Lizard King: Never you mind, cuz you're too late. The game has been won, and I'm the new champ. As I am the new champ, I'm taking my right, as champ, to drop the loser's pieces down the gurgler, as is my right. Bandicoot King: Hang on a sec, he cheated! Lizard King: Quiet, you! Zidgel: That was freaky. Midgel: Hold it. If you're the winner, where's the other player? Bandicoot King: Over here, mate! Bandicoot King: I don't want to be sent down the gurgler. Fidgel: How did he get in that cage? Bandicoot King: I was winning, but then those blokes stuffed me in here! Bandicoot King: That lizard's a cheat-- Lizard King: Quiet! As you can plainly see, there's no opponent over there. Lizard King: The game is over, I win by forfeit. Michelle: But that doesn't make any sense. Zidgel: Woah, slow down there, missy, I think this gentleman understands the rules of the game. After all, he is the champion. Michelle: Penguins, huddle. Zidgel: Um, right. Uh, huddle up, everybody! Zidgel: Okay, so, uh, what do we do? Midgel: Well, you know, no job's too hard when you use your-- Michelle: I recognize what it is they're playing. It's a great big version of Squid-Tac-Toad. I've played it before. Actually, back on Earth, I'm the champion. Fidgel: Champion? Michelle: Uh, yeah, champion. Plus, I'm a girl. I have the upper hand. Midgel: Well, that may be, Michelle, but-- Lizard King: Michelle? Michelle the champion? Zidgel: Hey, you can't peek into our huddle. Kevin: That's cheating. Lizard King: Well, I'm a great admirer of yours, Michelle. Your fame as a Squid-Tac-Toad player is known throughout the galaxy. Michelle: It is? Lizard King: I've studied your tactics. I know of your strategies. I must say, I'm impressed. Michelle: You are? Lizard King: Impressed, but not intimidated. Because I myself am of champion caliber as well. (Michelle raises eyebrow) Lizard King: I know what you're thinking. (uses frill to make fake pigtails) But he's not a girl, how could he ever become champ? Well, have a squiz at these! (shows off his bony fingers) (Kevin faints, Zidgel's eyes open wide, Midgel and Fidgel cover their eyes) Lizard King: Well, Michelle, how's about a game? Lizard King: Double or nothing. Michelle: What? Lizard King: You win, everyone goes free. I win, all the captured pieces take a trip down the gurgler. Michelle: Just what does that mean, exactly? Lizard King: It means, you'll never see them again. Zidgel: Now, see here! Michelle: Huddle. Zidgel: Yes, right. Okay, then. Uh, we'll be right with you. Zidgel: What do you think? Can you take him? Midgel: I don't think we've got much choice, now, do we? Fidgel: You can do it, Michelle. Kevin: We believe in you. Michelle: Okay, I'll do it. I think I could take him. I've got to save the Bandicoot King of Bullamanka from going down the gurgler. Penguins: Yay, Michelle! Lizard King: So, you're going to give it a bash then, ay? Michelle: That's right. Where are my game pieces? Lizard: Well, I've got most of mine, but seems most of yours are up there. And as anyone knows, an unarmed opponent means a forfeit. It also means I win again! Michelle: What? Lizard King: I'm still reigning champ, and it looks like you're up the gum tree. Sorry, Michelle. And sorry to you too, Mr. Bandicoot! Michelle: Wait! I'll find my own pieces. Lizard King: Now where in the galaxy are you going to find three more Red-Naped Ibs? Lizard King: You'll need another Squid-Hopper. Lizard King: Let the games begin! Lizard King: And we're off! Announcer: Red-Naped Ib to D-3. Lizard King: Well, I can see I'm dealing with a formidable opponent. Announcer: Yellow-Capped Whopper Dingy to B-2, Toad-Roller. Fidgel: I say, what's going on? What is this thing? Michelle: The Toad-Roller is gonna try and knock you off your square, Fidgel. Hold on! Fidgel: To what? Michelle: Drat. Fidgel: Oops, sorry. Zidgel: Ooh, ooh, ooh! Lizard King: Michelle, behind you! It's a didgeridoo! Michelle: Oh no. Kevin: Wait a minute, he cheated. I saw him. Zidgel: Hold on there, Lizard! Lizard King: There will be no talking by the game pieces! Zidgel: Woah. Hey, not so fast. Kevin: But I saw him. Lizard King: Silence! Lizard King: Good on ya! Five in a row, that's game! Say g'day, mates! Kevin: Hello! Lizard King: Trying to delay the proceedings, ay? Well, you can't hold up that cage forever, squidy. So how's about I help speed things along? Michelle: Wait! Uh, uh, the Lord hates cheating scales, but accurate weights are His delight. Lizard King: I don't know what that means. Michelle: No, wait! Listen to me! If you've got five pounds of socks in a ten-pound basket, well, where are ya? Michelle: When you cheat, you're taking something that isn't yours. Not only are you taking away my chance to win the game and save my friends, you're also taking away your own chance to win the game fair and square, to be a real champion. God loves it when we play fair, that way everyone wins. And there aren't many feelings better than winning fair and square. Koalas: (cry) Penguins: (scream) Lizard King: You know, you've got something there, missy. I've won a lot of games by cheating, but of all the things it's got me, a good feeling wasn't one of them. The only way to really be a winner is to play by the rules. Bandicoot King: Well then, how's about another game then, mate? Lizard King: This time, on the level. Reset the playing field! Lizard King: Uh, sorry bout the cheat, mate. Bandicoot King: No worries, mate. Zidgel: Well done, Michelle. Say, how do you like the redhead look? Michelle: Eh, too woodpecker. Zidgel: (laughs) Zidgel: Stardate Saturday, the Bandicoot King of Bullamanka has been saved, thanks to Michelle's excellent gameplaying skills and her wonderful oratory on playing by the rules. Uh, hold on, stardate. Zidgel: For someone who just saved an endangered king, you're looking a little blue. Oxygen levels okay? Michelle: It's just that, well, I'm not really feeling like a champion. Zidgel: And why is that? Fidgel: Well, it's not the oxygen levels, I can assure you. Michelle: It's probably because when Jason and I played that final championship game, I cheated to win. Penguins: (gasp) Fidgel: Whoop, there they go. Michelle: I just really wanted to win that last game against Jason, but afterwards, the more I thought about it, the worse I felt, about the tournament, Jason, everything. Zidgel: You know, Michelle, we had a saying back at the Academy. Cheating always, uh, no. Okay, how did that go? Um, right. Cheating never, um. No wait, that's not it. Eh, let's see. Uh, hm, ah, when a cheater cheats, the cheatee. Michelle: Uh, I think I know what I need to do. Zidgel: Cheateree! Woah! Jason: Hey there, champ, you seen that toy spaceship anywhere? Michelle: You mean the penguins' ship? Jason: Yeah, it's--wait a minute, I thought-- Michelle: Jason, I've learned a thing or two. Jason: Hmm, wasn't it cool? Grandmum: Alright, me loves. Lights out. Don't forget to say your prayers. Jason: Dear God. Michelle: Thank You for Mom and Dad, and keep them safe on their trip. Jason: And for Grandmum, and for the penguins, and for the Squid-Tac-Toad game, even though Michelle was the champ. Michelle: Uh, Jason? Jason: Yeah? Michelle: About that game, I'm not really the champ. Jason: What? Michelle: I cheated, but I learned a lot about playing by the rules with the penguins. Jason: Oh. Michelle: I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? Jason: Uh, sure, but you know what this means? Michelle: What? Jason: Rematch, after breakfast. Michelle: You're on. Michelle: And thanks for teaching me that I need to play fair and square. Michelle: And help me to beat Jason. Jason: And help me to beat Michelle. Jason and Michelle: Amen. Category:Transcripts Category:3-2-1 Penguins! transcripts Category:Finished Transcripts